He didn’t need to get tested because ‘he wasn’t a Casanova’. When I tried to stop seeing him, he even tried to persuade me that I owed him a second chance. If he was this insistent now, how did anyone break up with him? Whether rejection or pushiness, dating failures revealed my own resilience. It felt like I was pretty enough but hadn’t performed well enough, like my pale skin and big boobs had promised something that I couldn’t deliver. Still, the silence and hurtful words made my own terrible myth that much easier to believe: They could fuck me, not love me. As much as vulnerability gets easier, dating exhausts me.
Sometimes, I just don’t have the energy to put myself out there.
Sometimes doubt creeps in and asks: Am I doing relationships and life wrong?
Yet, four years of navigating dating and vulnerability helped me clarify what I want. There may be plenty of people who’ve had sex, but far fewer willing to share their authentic selves.
Both of these techniques helped me to realize that vulnerability wasn’t an all or nothing.They start going out with a girl, they start liking her and develop feelings for her.For one reason or another they assume that the girl is also a virgin.Far fewer are willing to be vulnerable and open about who they really are, what they really want.I guess I’m an outlier, holding out for someone who can give me that intimacy, physically and emotionally.